Just Say Nope? The truth about dope, and other things that make us feel hope.

I am an addict. More specifically, I use alcohol, lots of it. It’s perfect for me; readily available, socially acceptable, even encouraged! It’s everywhere, comes in all sorts of flavors, and even has an air of prestige. Don’t want to look like a loser addict? Have a wine cellar or a collection of fine Scotch!

I am a pretty typical female alcoholic. A wine mom. I don’t drink every day, I don’t wake up craving a glass, I regularly go days, weeks, evenmonths without. But when I do it starts at 5pm, and ends when I go to bed. As soon as I have that first glass, I want all the drinks. I don’t have that little voice that says “switch to water". Since my first sip of sangria at 15, I never did. I have always wanted more. That is due to a combination of a culture and family that made alcohol central to social interactions, a childhood environment that created traumas, a psyche that is deeply nihilistic and a tendency to be constantly thinking. Alcohol quiets my mind, gives me a reprieve from my incessant inner monolog. I crave annihilation. It’s a flipside to being a passionate and emotional person.

Addiction isn’t something that happens to degenerates. It happens to virtually everyone. Booze, pills, food, restrictions, work, working out, smoking, toking, hoarding, spending, gambling. You name it, we use it. Why? To cope. And it starts early. Let me plainly explain, and this is based on years of reading and viewing studies, books, articles, testimonials, and on the experiences of others and myself.

Adverse Childhood Affects cause trauma. It doesn’t matter to which degree, it just does. Yes, some people may be born naturally prone to addiction, while others are naturally resistant. But most of us are vulnerable. Trauma triggers defense mechanisms (avoidance, denial, acting out…) which in turn create chemical imbalances in the brain. When we eventually try something that suddenly makes us feel okay, that’s the brain chemistry getting some balance. The problem is, the brain chemistry goes “if a bit feels good, then more must feel even better!” and we’re off to the races.

Addiction is not a moral problem. You cannot tell someone to just stop. In the case of alcohol, opioids, and certain pills, stopping suddenly can be super dangerous and even fatal. It can be physically excruciating. Some non-addicts think it’s a good idea to let addicts suffer through withdrawal, the rationale being that they will learn their lesson and never use again. It doesn’t work that way, and it’s damn cruel.

Addiction at the root is a mood disorder. We use in order to stop feeling shitty. It’s that simple. When people want to stop using, they need access to medically assisted withdrawal and psychosocial services. These services are very limited and elusive in the public system, and even if accessed privately at a high cost, come with stigma and a stain on one’s medical history. Healing from trauma takes commitment and lots of time, and that isn’t a feasible option for many. Stigma only compounds the issue and prevents people from getting the assistance they need.

I don’t know if I will ever heal, or be able to drink moderately. I do know that I can be abstinent for periods. I do know that once I have that drink, it’s really difficult to not have more. That’s my battle. But people need to understand how addiction happens and have compassion towards addicts. At this moment in time, we are facing an opioid overdose epidemic. It’s not treated as a health crisis in the same way that Covid has been, yet in Canada, 17 people a day died from opioid toxicity in 2020. Because we view addicts with disdain, and we don’t give them a proper chance to heal. It’s time to evolve, to utilize effective treatments, to end the stigma, to decriminalize drugs, and to simply stop judging. I put myself on the spot here in order to spark some healing, within and without. Cheers.